Different Loving

feb-hop-white-letteringThis post is part of the “Cold Nights, Hot Reads” blog hop. You can find more details about the hop at this link: http://patriciagreenbooks.com/cold-nights-hot-reads-blog-hop/

Please read down to the bottom to see how you can enter to win a variety of prizes.

Do you remember the book and movie, Love Story?  It was hugely popular in the late 1960s early 1970s. The most famous line from it is “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.”

Like many people then and still, I beg to differ.  Love means you had better be willing to say you’re sorry. Often. Whenever it’s appropriate. Because we’re all human beings and we all make mistakes and hurt others. And since the people we love are the closest to us, they’re the ones we hurt the most.

This is most relevant to me in my writing because I write romances that often involve BDSM relationships and very dominant men.

Ultra-dominant men are somewhat fashionable these days, as long as they’re handsome, rich and sexy, a trend represented by Christian Grey and his many, many imitators. I love me some handsome, sexy, rich male too, but not Christian and his ilk.  Why not? Simply put, he’s an asshole.

My idea of a sexy, dominant male is one who is secure enough that he doesn’t have to manipulate a woman into his arms. Nor does he have to buy and own her. He takes on the dominant role because it suits both him and his partner. His partner wants it that way. She doesn’t have to be blackmailed or stalked or bought to want into the relationship.

And he’s willing to say he’s sorry when he’s wrong and find out what he can do to make it better.

It’s a fine line. I get that. But most people can tell the difference between someone who’s subbing because it’s what they want or need and someone doing it because the partner they love/respect/fear demands it of them.

BDSM is at its heart an exchange of power, but that’s only really satisfying when all participants have equal agency, so that can each freely consent to it. It does get tricky. I admit that, and I plan a few more posts exploring the complexity of it.

It isn’t always obvious on the surface where the lines are, but if I can’t see the equality that lies beneath, then the story doesn’t work for me.

Naughty-Hearts-V2This post is sponsored by the Naughty Hearts anthology: The second of The Naughty Literati’s boxed sets of stories and is filled with fabulous romantic love  stories.

Best of all – the ebook is JUST 99 cents! 

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Comments

Different Loving — 13 Comments

  1. Wonderful commentary and I agree. I haven’t even read the 50 Shades of Grey books(yes, I bought them just haven’t read them) and my daughter and daughter in law laugh at me. Why have I not read them, I really think I am going to be seriously disappointed. I have read books by so many wonderful authors I believe 50 Shades will be a joke.

  2. Enjoyed reading your post, I am not a big fan of Christian Grey either, read the books, but I wasn’t thrilled with them, read others I enjoyed more.
    skpetal at hotmail dot com

  3. I’ve been hearing so many things about 50 shades. I have the books but…I just can’t get myself to read them…maybe when the dust settles ^_^

  4. btw I typed in the link to our blog wrong in the previous comment. Don’t know if you can correct it but please don’t click on it. Who knew one letter difference could be so dangerous >.<

  5. I so agree about Love Story. Apologies are always appreciated when warranted. I also agree about dominant men knowing and being secure enough to know when something goes wrong and saying so. It makes them even stronger, really. That was a really well done post. I did read all of the 50 Shades trilogy because I wanted to finish the story. The writing, well, it was not the quality I am used to. smclement5@yahoo.com

  6. You could not be more right about Christian! Your comments made me giggle 🙂
    Amhart602 at gmail dot com

  7. I so agree with you I love big sexy alpha males, not assholes. I want a man to be protective of me not controlling of me. I enjoy hot steamy loving with some beam, if it done in a way that is enjoyable to both parties and done in a loving way. Thank you so much for the great hop! Rebeccaray72@windstream.net

  8. Thank you, thank you, thank you! On behalf of women who abhor men who think being a Buttmunch is sexy, thank you!! Dominance does not equate to being an unmitigated ass.

    blueshedevil32 (at) gmail (dot) com

  9. I love reading bdsm books. The love and trust shown between partners is quite beautiful and sexy as hell. The power and control, just the way they exchange pleasure. *sigh* I havent read 50 shades, it hasnt really peaked my interest. Ive heard a lot of mixed things about it. Thank you for sharing! Your post was great! Loved all the info!
    shadowluvs2read(at)gmail(Dot)com